The thing about being as dynamically unstable as I am is that I never know how long a good run of form is going to last for. Take counter-strike, for instance. I have 580 hours logged on CS on this computer and on the main server that I play on I'm ranked #125 out of 57811. That's decent. Like, for me, just playing a hard game and working the process of gettin gud, there's alot of value in that for me. Back in WoL I was ranked in the 500s globally before the introduction of GM league and had I kept playing with the same level of intensity upon the release of HoTS (a large downgrade in my eyes) I have no doubt that I would have been able to make GM and hold a world ranking at least top 1k. But, here's the thing about both these tasks and my time spending them: I'm basically wasting my fucking time doing them.
Like, being 500th in the world on a fucking ladder ranking of all things, it doesn't mean shit. Tournaments are all that matter to real players and I just don't get any tournament run anymore. I'm not talking about poker tournaments by the way. For most of the endgame in those you're running 30 bets or less and you're mainly just looking at your hand and the situation and often the situation is primitive. I'm talking about winning fox's ladder way back when I was playing BW and getting that game against mantra from a close to no-win spot and then winning that tournament and then getting a game vs Grrrr... on west and taking that too and just, well, after you've taken a game from the world champion, that just fed unto itself and led to me being in the 1k games on party back when we were the one eyed kings in the land of the blind and just feasting.
But then I got rear ended and couldn't move or sleep for 6 months until I got acupuncture which magically healed my shit and even now, as I write this, I can feel the ulnar nerve in my left hand tingling and both my feet feel like they are on fire. I don't blame god for setting the events in motion that lead to that spot from which I've never been the same (you could argue that with time and experience I'm better than I've ever been) but I definitely damn him for taking what could have been legit stardom and replacing it with, well, fear.
I didn't really know fear before the car accident. Yeah, sure, there was mild panic back when I accidentally set a fire in our basement apartment (smoking indoors is a big no-no) and, sure, I was the type to get stage fright but actual fear? There's something in your guts when you've stamped into a hard stop and then you see a ton of steel bearing down on you and it's just coming into your world way too fucking fast. It changes you and makes you look both ways as you cross the street and then again and when it's raining you wonder if a bolt of lightning is going to come down and leave you with Doc Mccoy hair. I'm just different since then and the biggest change in me is the propensity for me to slide between not only a range of states but a very large range of states.
Let me take you back to right around when I went broke on stars. This was my second time going broke overall by the way. Naw, I won't do that. Let's just say it's like La Vita Nuova in hell. Y'know, the imagery but, like, to the Nth grotesque as I don't sleep and I've deprived myself of all of my supports (ADD meds, weed, something else too but I forget).
I'm just doing this to drag you into the subject matter of the post which is my missed calling in life. I think that I'm supposed to be working a lab with rats and trying to find solves for conditions. Y'know, if I'd just gone into the military at seventeen as I wanted to then right about now I'd have nuff rax to just go to med school and I'd do, well, pretty alright, just a real nigga with combatex who's seen into the darkness of himself and, yeah, a nigga blinked but he stepped out of it and then came to master it, as I have done and now, well, PhD as my brother also is working on and then straight into research and maybe working talk therapy on the side.
I think I would have been absolutely sick at it. Maybe just straight talk therapy while slinging drugs. On drugs, btw, like, take this fucking Olanzapine that they've prescribed me. 20 mikes of it and just what that does to a human being. I don't fucking understand even something like heroin being a legal issue. Like, all these transactions, they're like fucking consensual nomsain? Woteva.
the vigorous vorticity of vigorish